My browse along the Lawrence bookshelf this evening drew my attention to a glossy pamphlet entitled The Expat Welcome 2012. Intrigued I sat in the smallest room studying this fine looking guide leafing through helpful pages offering advice on all things Malaysian for the arrivees of 2012. I could read in details about how to bring my pet to Kuala Lumpur, learn about where to live, brush up on banking or even read about Immigration Services. Apparently, I read, processing an application for a work permit is "sometimes quite lengthy and involved." The writers are not wrong.
I flicked a few more pages and had a glance at the helpful sections on Motoring and Transport in Malaysia. The sections began with these words, "One of the most enjoyable things about living in Malaysia is getting behind the wheel and heading out on the open roads which take you through vibrant cities...." I agree with KL being a vibrant city but the writers have got a bit of explaining to do with the rest of the statement. Driving in KL rarely affords you an open road thanks to the current popularity of traffic jams. Getting behind the wheel is also fraught with annoyances and danger. Many Malaysian drivers appear to follow the words of Expat 2012 quite literally by getting behind the wheel of their Proton, BMW, or rusting 1970s Datsun, strapping on their blinkers, disabling their indicators and heading off, tunnel vision-like towards their destination, oblivious of the thousands of other vehicles on the road. Expat 2012 goes on to say "Driving in Malaysia is a wonderful experience ... ". On a daily basis I witness motorists enjoying the wonderful experience of veering from left to right and back again, without indicating of course, while staring intently into the distance or chattering on their ubiquitous mobile phones. Other wonderful experiences include overtaking cars stopped at red lights to go round them, pushing into gaps that don't exist and undertaking at high speed. I regularly express my wonder at the experience of driving by using phrases like "What is that idiot doing?", "Get off your pissing phone and look where you are going!", and "You can't do ... (Sharp intake of breath) ... Oh my god!" And then there are the motorbike riders to contend with, all of whom ride like slalom skiers, scoring extra points each time they pass the front of my car with less than one metre clearance.
The magazine did offer some interesting advice though. In the Meeting People section it suggested that I should "Participate in (unfamiliar) activities." Initially somewhat alarmed I soon took this to mean that I should accept Lexi's suggestion and go to the pilates class at Desa Park City club this evening. And, much like driving in Malaysia is reported to be, it was a wonderful experience. The class of thirty sweating, steaming bodies were instructed to move and stretch themselves in ways that I would not have thought possible or that were in any way good for you by a cheery and incredibly flexible instructor. Understanding about one word in ten of his Malaysian English (it's Manglish, lah!) I thanked my lucky stars that there were mirrors in which to copy the movements and motions of other more experienced strainers and grunters.
Lexi had heard about the class a few weeks ago and has been several times already. I suppose it was good that she had not waited to receive a letter about the class. Despite Expat 2012 announcing that Pos Malaysia is "efficient and easily accessible" it took around four weeks for my AA Malaysia (the motoring people) card to be sent from one part of KL to me and at school I am still waiting for a text book posted by The Royal Shakespeare Company on 25th March. Someone in Pos Malaysia clearly knows all about accessibility, delivering, as our postie did, a card from a relative that had been opened, checked for money, glued up again and then delivered.
But then Expat 2012 would doubtless say that I am in stage three of culture shock. On page 104 it tells me that I will soon realize that it is "up to me to change to be comfortable in my new environment." This is soon followed by, they say, "the acceptance phase.". I this I will sharpen my elbows and simply push through crowds getting on and off trains, eat everything, and be far more tolerant.
Right here goes then. How do I disable indicators on a car and drive with my eyes closed?