The answer, if you are a nine-year-old boy is approximately 32 minutes.
The morning routine in Chateau Lawrence is usually a pretty rigid, fixed timings type one to make sure that Lexi is on the road by 0635 and children and I are away by 0640. That way we can we can enter the school site before packs of Toyota Yellfires, Mercedes and BMWs vie for dropping off positions. This morning’s house exit went something like this.
0530 Alarm goes off. Lexi and I struggle out of bed and commence ablutions and dressing. So far so good.
0550 Lexi opens doors to children’s rooms to try to enable gentle waking up process. She also turns aircon off to enable gentle cooking process to help get arses out of bed.
0600 I descend from bedroom and put children’s lights on in the third stage of waking up.
0605 I sort out children’s Weetabix, Tescos own because it is cheaper, and heat up milk (three minutes in microwave). I shout upstairs to children for the first time.
0610 Still half asleep, and looking like it, Edwin arrives downstairs, in his uniform without socks on. Lexi asks him to put his socks on. A grunt.
0613 Trixie arrives downstairs without any clothes on in a panic. She can’t find her PE kit. Last night before bed she put her PE kit out ready. She is sent back upstairs, with little room for any misunderstandings in the instruction, to get her PE kit. No noises yet from Rupert.
0615 I ask Edwin to put his socks on.
0617 Trixie arrives downstairs wearing only her pants, still claiming not to be able to find her PE kit. She is rapidly turned around and told exactly where her kit is.
0620 I ask Edwin to put his socks on, although he is now eating his Weetabix.
0622 Rupert arrives, in much the same state that Edwin was earlier, and drifts around downstairs as is his wont. He does have uniform and socks on though.
0627 Edwin finishes his Weetabix and goes upstairs to put his socks on and clean his teeth.
0630 Rupert finishes struggling through one Weetabix, Trixie finishes her two, and they go up to clean teeth.
0635 Edwin arrives downstairs, still in dream world and still without socks on. He starts to put his lunch in his bag. I send him back upstairs to put his socks on.
0640 Lexi leaves for work.
0641 Edwin arrives back downstairs and puts his school bag on his back and walks towards the front door, ready to leave. He has no socks on.
0642 Trixie and Rupert rush around throwing stuff into their bags. I ask Edwin if he is going to school today without socks on and the penny finally drops. He goes upstairs again and this time succeeds in putting on his socks.
0644 Children and I leave the house and lock up.
0645 We arrive at the car and load bags in. I put Edwin’s violin in the boot. He reminds me that his lesson is on a Wednesday not a Tuesday, which is why he left it in the house.
0646 All children belted in I start engine and prepare to drive off. Trixie shouts “We have forgotten my party invitations!” (Her very delayed party is on Sunday.) Edwin gets out the car to get the invitations.
0647 Edwin arrives back at the car, with the wrong pile of paper.
0649 Edwin arrives back at the car with the right pile of paper and we set off to school for another busy day.
PS I had a strange dream last night involving smuggling packets of Birds Custard in to Laos. As I crossed into the country I was met by lots of heavy drinking Russians, with red faces, who were in heated discussions. What was all that about?
PPS As I walked the children home from their piano lessons this evening we passed a fat, ugly guy wearing a purple t-shirt. Printed on the t-shirt was the delightful phrase “I’m Virgin.” Please fill in your own punchline.