The short answer is seven. One would think that opening a gate is a relatively straightforward thing but, here in Malaysia, things are often not quite what they seem.
Thanks to the efforts of one of my marvellous sixth form students we managed to borrow the ultimate vehicle to play the part of Greased Lightning: a 37 year old, olive green Vespa moped. It undertook its starring role in my school's production of Grease with great success and had its Ferrari sticker lovingly polished by our Danny on each night of the show. Grease is over now and it was much enjoyed by the cast and audience alike. Today was the time to return Greased Lightning to its owner.
At the appointed time this morning the owner of the fine Vespa arrived at school along with his associate who had given him a lift on the back of a much less classy, but certainly younger, Suzuki. In preparation for the handover the student and I had transported the Vespa from the school hall to the back gate, no mean feat in tropical temperatures, as we had to dodge an assembly, various fancy-dressed students and wheel it in to and out of a lift. Just before the handover I left the Vespa and student in the right place, awaiting the arrival of the owner and headed off to do one of the many things that needed doing to finish off the term.
Minutes later I was called back to the back gate. There was a problem. The owner and his chauffeur had arrived and were ready for the handover, but the security guards would not let them get to the Vespa. Picture the scene: two security guards, resplendent in uniforms and hi-vis vests, dragged away from important candy-crush games, on one side. The owner and chaperone on the other, with one sixth former and then me. It was stalemate, compounded by the fact that there appeared to be no common language among the three parties. The security fellows managed to say that they could not let the moped out because it had not been officially brought on to the site. Its existence on my school's terra firma didn't appear to trouble them rather it was its lack of existence on paper, specifically the guard house note book, that was causing the frustrating hold up. The guards would also not let the owner and chaperone on to the site because they did not have a pass. They could certainly not do anything as simple as open the gate to allow a uniting of man and machine. That was a no-no. The no-man's land spanned all of three metres and thoughts of football matches came to mind.
Time passed.
The way to resolve problems in Malaysia is usually to refer to one's boss. This is usually done so as to avoid having to make a difficult decision, such as, uniting owner and borrowed machine and therefore avoid being held responsible for potentially doing the wrong thing. But common sense was staring our great protectors in the face. The owner and chaperone were known to the student and the student was known to me and I work at the school and all we needed to do was to open the gate. However common sense could not be applied so the security guards decided that the only thing to do was phone their boss, a bloke who they called "The Old Man." After much faffing around and more time passing "The Old Man" arrived, with no sense of irony on the road side of the gate, riding a moped. (Perhaps he wasn't permitted on site?) Various conversations were had as the owner of the Vespa watched, seemingly untroubled. Eventually "The Old Man" agreed that the Vespa owner should be allowed to retake possession of his property and the gate was opened. Seven people went away and continued going about their business while all, no doubt, thinking how stupid the other people were. I'm sure the three various guards were convinced that myself and the student were stupid for even thinking that we would would be permitted to give someone back their property. I left thinking that rather than being security guards they were much more like insecurity guards. Because neither of the first two comedians could make a decision for fear of getting in to trouble they had to seek permission of their boss in order to be allowed to enact common sense. It is much easier simply to sit and play candy crush than do difficult things like open gates.
Thankfully a good end of term lunch and family trip to the cinema to see "Paddington" helped ease away the frustrations. The lunch and the film were both excellent. I heartily recommend that people eat turkey and sprouts and then watch that fine bear from Darkest Peru.