Sporting supremos from across the globe have been queuing up today to pay tribute to Robin Lawrence following his decision to retire from the beautiful game. Lawrence, aged very old, announced his retirement today. In an emotional statement he told a completely empty press conference “My legs ached like mad after a game last night and so I decided stuff this for a laugh, I am in self induced agony.”
Robin began his career kicking a ball around in the park behind his childhood home and skillfully managed to avoid ever playing for any of his school teams, opting for cricket instead, where he scored a mighty one run for the under 14B side in 1984. He still contests to the day umpire should not have given him out LBW and that had Hawkeye not just been a character in MASH at the time the non-existent third umpire would have over-ruled his school’s biology teacher who was wearing a white coat and trying to look like he knew what he was doing (what did he know anyway?).
Robin went on to combine the creative bent with the crunching tackle while at the prestigious University of Huddersfield taking time out of his Drama based degree to play in goal for a friend’s course team. Shortly after knocking an old lady over in the street, “She should have been looking where she was going,” he famously declared afterwards, he managed to hospitalise an opposition striker when clearing a wayward back pass. The luckless striker felt the full force of Lawrence’s right boot after it connected with both ball and head. The ball made a full recovery from the incident.
After becoming a teacher in 1994 Lawrence donned the padded coat of coaching and applied his limited footballing skills to his school’s under 15 boys team. Gaining vital knowledge from Match of The Day pundits Robin instigated a rigorous training routine of giving his team rousing half-time talks, writing elaborate match reports and insisting on Shakespeare quotes being chanted before kick-off. As a surprise to himself and the players the team won most of their games, despite Lawrence sending off one of his best players in a crucial cup game and regularly playing players in positions they had little experience in.
While living in Wolverhampton Robin moved into the warmer world of indoor five aside football playing regularly on weekend mornings and occasionally after work. Unlike any other footballer he managed to play in the position of striker and goalkeeper, although not simultaneously, preferring playing up front as there was, in his words, “Less chance of a cock-up up front.” In the twilight of his career he played with the staff lads at his current international school, where he still works.
Footballing greats have been queuing up to pay tribute to Lawrence’s mediocre career. Bathroom fitter and former Ipswich Town right back Mick Stockwell thanked Robin for lying about his age and paying child rates to cheer him on in the mid 80s. “It was clear that he was destined for lower league stardom at some point,” Stockwell said. He added “No-one was quite sure what that league would be in, but it certainly would not be football.”
Bristol City legend Chris Garland said “If only Robin had worked harder trying to get my Panini sticker in 1979 then it could have made all the difference to both of our careers.”
The Huddersfield striker did not wish to comment beyond expressing his relief that Robin had hung up his football trainers for good.
Robin is looking forward to spending more time with his family, not waking up with aches in muscles he never knew he had and trying to drop his cricket match grudge.