Thanks to six hours in the company of some entertaining doctors I am now first aid trained. Yes if I see someone who has collapsed on the floor, fallen from a great height or cut a digit off I can now wade in and probably make them feel a great deal worse. There were several other staff who had left booking their place on the course to the last minute, hoping that matters at school might be moderately less frantic and frenetic only to have those hopes dashed. While it may not seem like the best way to spend one's Saturday the doctors made the course quite hands on and encouraged us to get physical with the bandaging and CPR. Having practised on 'Choking Charlie', an armless mannequin who was sporting a 1980s retro badminton shirt I am now pretty good at giving someone a quick slap on the back or a Heimlich or two. Although I should add a cautionary note to this. Charlie only appeared to have swallowed a ball of foam with attached string.
I am also something of a authority on the tail and anchor method: a new way of bandaging that appears to remove the need to stab your victim in their tender bits with a safety pin while trying to secure a bandage. To be a highly successful bandager though one must always carry a yoghurt pot, or the like, wherever one travels, in case of eye injuries. Thanks to mastering the tail and anchor method I am now able to strap a yoghurt pot, sans yoghurt of course, over a sitting teacher's face in a simulation eye injury situation. Never too old to learn indeed.
I suppose that I was in a positive mood really for this Saturday course as Lexi and I had been successful in a 'Lucky Draw' organised by her school. A few weeks ago she had announced that her place had arranged a do for staff and that food and beer was provided. Working on the wise premise that when people offer free food and beer it is best to say 'Yes' and ask questions later we both agreed to attend. The theme for the evening was black and red, something that Lexi assured me was not being followed by anyone. And so with Lexi wearing purple and me in my best blue and white flower pattern shirt and green jeans we stepped in, one a half hours late, to a room full of people dressed up to the nines in black and red. Someone recognized our difficulty and directed us to the most suitable table for people wearing our badly selected garb, the table occupied by the school principal, head teacher, school owners and their consorts. We did time it perfectly for the arrival of dinner though.
The evening then kicked in to gear with the commencement of The Lucky Draw. One particular bloke had been carefully volunteered to host the luck fest and shortly after course number one of many he approached the microphone and the drawing began. Numbers were pulled out and moderately
cross looking people trudged forward to collect their RM150 vouchers for Starbucks or Aeon supermarket. Others looked even less pleased when they were handed massage vouchers to the value of RM210.20. Quite what the extra 20 sen was for I don't know. Slightly disappointed at not winning the free coffee I consoled myself with some more stilted conversation with people at the VIP table. Our host returned to the microphone one food course later and declared that The Lucky Draw was starting again as previously we had only drawn 15 tickets. There were, he announced, another 85 prizes!
He trudged on. The value of the vouchers went up to RM200, then RM250 and eventually up to RM400 and still there was no luck heading the Lawrence way. Feeling pleased that we did not win the enormous grill oven set or yet more massages our genial host declared that there were only 16 prizes remaining. Crumbs. Lexi and I were down to the last 16. Our host tested our staying power by drawing our attention to the star prizes: an iPhone 5; whopping great TV and in third place an electronic slimmer's machine. More supermarket vouchers were won along with some curious pieces of gadgetry that looked like an orange tortoise with wires on. And then number 008 was drawn out. It was Lexi's ticket. We were very relieved not to have won the electronic slimmer's machine but Lord Luck had awarded us something far more useless instead. We won the ninth prize: an"OSIM U-Relax." It took a lot of detailed examination of the enormous box to try to work out exactly what we had won however a careful reading of a helpful explanatory paragraph soon clarified matters. Our prize was a luxury massage appliance that apparently fits into most chairs. Light and portable it will allow us to enjoy a massage in most chairs at our convenience. Baffled and confused we left the evening struggling under the size and weight of this light and portable device.
As I write preparations for Lexi's school play are going very well. She was struggling for star prizes for her raffle, until now.